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At thirteen, when puberty hit and I got
my first period, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. It was weird, for me
personally, to see most of girls at the same age began to kiss and make out
with their boyfriend. Yet, I was still catching feelings for someone.
I met him in Middle School—we were
classmates. I had no idea how it started. Everything just happened that we
became so close. Some thought we were dating, but I swear we were not. I did
like him as a person. I liked hanging out with him. I liked how he talked the
way all intelligent kids did. I must confess that he used to be my favorite
person. Things were going well for years until he decided to touch me
physically, and I slowly began to lose interest in him.
And the days after, I heard he had sex
with other girl. They were officially dating.
Did I regret it? No. I left him for
good, and that was the way it was.
So I tried to move on. I can say it was
terrible. We no longer looked out for each other on regular basis. We stopped
talking. Somehow, I kept making myself believe that I was gonna get used to
this.
As I get older, I don’t see any
differences. I don’t get why people—I mean, some of them consider sex as an
essential element of relationship. I thought I was a platonically lover in the
first place, because it takes so much time to discover myself that I
just don’t have any sexual attraction to anybody.
I watch porn, but I don’t experience a
thing like most people do—otherwise, I feel like I’m gonna throw up when the
guy’s penis starts squirting on screen. It certainly is not the thrilling stuff
had led me to expect, it’s just disgusting. Whenever I hear people telling me,
“You wouldn’t know until you try it”, I am not even intrigued. Somehow, this society leaves me questioned.
Are
you a homosexual?
I am not sure. In spite of being unable
to sexually arouse, I frequently get too attached to some men; heartthrob movie
stars, the boys-next-door, the kind-hearted co-workers, strangers from Tinder.
But, I emphasize once more; I don’t think I’d hook up with them. Whether it is
just the fear I got or something, I would never try to imagine myself naked
with someone else.
Have
you ever been molested as a child?
Nah. I’ve got normal childhood and, as a matter of fact, this
sexual orientation has nothing to do with my life in the past. I just think
that I would never get laid forever.
Seriously. It’s pretty exhausting to be
the only person around who doesn’t develop sexual attraction meanwhile i find a lot of
guys keep hyping about the casual sex to bring up their privilege.
Well, I actually don’t mind about the
idea of having sex, but I couldn’t find the reason why I have to do that. I
have no obsession over penises nor pussies. They are just reproduction organs,
so that is not what I may concern. However, no matter how hard I try to
explain, people still don’t understand.
This is way too odd to live in society
saturated by sex, sex, and sex inside-out. They say I simply have low-libido just
because I don’t get horny. They say I got health issues I need more medical check-up.
I,
then, shake my head. I just don’t like being touched, it makes me uncomfortable.
Yes, I do know it’s not cool being single neither having zero physical contact
to someone, but it appears to me that I have to be fully genuine about my own space.
I may face so many rejection due to this condition, I may not fit in, but being
rejected doesn’t make me any less than others, does it? And I definitely
believe that, someday, I will find someone who is supportive enough to have my
back.
Because there is no shame in not having
sex. Nor is there a shame of being an asexual. [ ]
